One of the biggest transitions for parents and students during college is the lower level of communication that occurs when students are fifty, a hundred or more miles away. It’s certainly more difficult to have casual conversations when you’re not in the same house. Of course, there are other parents who say they don’t talk to their teenager much anyway, so having them four hours away won’t make a different at all.
The Big Question
But this assumes that all communication is verbal, and that just isn’t true. Much of our communication with our sons and daughters takes the form of passing them the ketchup during a meal, or driving them to a football game, or in exchanges that consist mainly of grunts and eye rolls. Mind you, many of us get really crazy when our teens do this to us, but that doesn’t make us any less sad when we can’t hear that offhand grunting noise.
So as our students head to college, parents often ask: when should I call them, meaning when can they call their student comfortably and not seem to be “smothering” them? Compared to the experience many of us had years ago, when communicating to students required going through a college switchboard to a residence hall phone that no one wanted to answer, this is a perfect question in the era of cell phones attached by super glue to our students hands and heads.
It’s Not So Easy
The obvious dilemma parents face is if they don’t call it may appear to their student that they don’t care about him or her, and if they call too early, the student’s new friends will think less of the student whose parents can’t let them “go out and play” in their new playground. And only you as parents and family members can gauge — given your student — when that “sweet spot” is for the perfect call. However, many times that sweet spot is after the typical Mom or Dad wants to make that first contact. Of course, this whole question doesn’t even need to be raised if the students would just call us every day like we want them to. But given that they may not do that — because they’re wrapped up with discovering new things and new people, you have an out, and that is a big secret I share only with parents and family members.
Every student has a favorite something, like a sweater, pair of slacks, sweatshirt, necklace or other keepsake. Your job as parents and family members is to hide one of these favorite things as your student is packing so they aren’t able to take it with them to school. If after a day or two, you are just dying to call your student and you suspect they won’t receive the call well, all you have to do is tell them you found their favorite (fill in the blank here). That gives you the excuse to call, ask about the people they’ve met and see if they’ve had anything really good from the cafeteria, and how orientation or classes are going — you know, the things you’re really curious about. In this way, you’ve given them your space, but have still been able to make the first contact you’re even dying to make — no muss, no fuss.
And if you can wait this long (my wife and I couldn’t) calling on the first day of classes is a given. Every student expects the call and every parent or family member wants to make it. In either case, use your time wisely, get a little bit of information, but more importantly, tell your student that you love them and you’re proud of them.
Those honest emotions and connections from parents go a long way.