A significant transition for new students to college is when they have to take care of their problems themselves. This applies to such things as basic health issues, finding time to study, getting sick, or finding their residence hall room too hot or too cold. These are the kinds of things parents took care of for their entire lives. And you might be tempted to intervene to fix these problems again. In a word, don’t.
Your student is likely to make some mistakes along the way and perhaps let some things slide that he or she shouldn’t. This is especially the case with roommate issues. After all, no one wants to be “that guy” who gets upset over every little thing — or at least what other students see as every little thing. Many students just suck it up and let things with their roommate slide, things such as borrowing of clothes without asking, a roommate whose side of the room looks like the local landfill and when a roommate has too many late night visitors over who aren’t playing Parcheesi. So when a student who feels put upon finally reacts, the result is often an explosion and a major crisis point for both roommates. This happens to lots of students. If it happens with yours, provide support to them, suggest that they follow up with the appropriate authorities (Resident Assistant first, then up the chain) and ask about how they’re handling it enough to encourage them to make that first call for help.
The same could be applied to physical health. With all the mental, emotional and intellectual challenges they’re facing, students often don’t take care of themselves the way they ought to, and may find themselves getting sick with a cold, the flu, or some digestive issue. Our normal and correct action as parents is to suggest that the students go to their campus health center, to which many students say “But all they’ll do is give me Tylenol and ‘Hall’s Balls.’ My response to that has usually been
“Maybe, but that’s more than you have now.”
I also emphasize that we’ve already paid for health services through our campus fees so they might as well use them. Encourage them to do that and also encourage them to ask their provider questions.
Another area that students often flounder on is in career development. Students may want to apply for a campus job or for a leadership position and need a resume in order to apply, but they have no idea how to do that. Mind you, they heard about the career center during orientation and were probably shown the office during a campus tour where everyone says that students should start visiting the career center as soon as they arrive on campus. Still, they have no clue that they can go there for something as small as their own personal resume. As parents, we can give them that reality check “Honey, that’s what they do all the time: it’s their job, even for a first semester student.”
During those frustrating phone calls, it can be difficult to know whether a student is calling you so you can handle their problems for them, calling to get advice on what to do, or just calling to vent. And you can certainly help them. For example if there is some comfort item that you can send your daughter when she’s sick, do that. When they’re working on their resume, ask them to write a draft and give it to the career center, but at the same time, send a copy to you for your comments. Make sure they know that you’re not going to write the resume for them, but you’re happy to provide feedback.. And you can also offer to have them practice what they’ll say when they confront their roommate or talk to the Director of Residence Life about their problems so they are comfortable taking the next step. Just as we were so encouraging of our students when they were beginning to walk, this is much the same. Give them the chance to fail, but be there to help them learn how to pick themselves up as well. There really is a first time for everything.